Flip-flop man

By Jon Scott Blanthorn

A

disturbing incident recently took place while I was at my local coffee emporium on the first warm day of spring, reading about the architectural feats of 14th-century Incas. While lining up for my beverage and pastry and contemplating man's heroic endeavours, my eyes glanced downward upon a sight that shocked me straight back to the present day and put me off my grande Americano.

At ground level was a set of dirty, uncut toenails supported by hairy toes attached to feet barely recognizable as human and housed by pieces of thin rubber. I was behind a grown man wearing electric blue flip-flops!

Disgusted, I looked at the owner of said feet with disdain. Who would consider such a display appropriate for public consumption? I felt insulted that he thought it was fine to invade my sightline with the footwear equivalent of a male thong. Otherwise, he otherwise seemed a decent fellow, his haircut and glasses suggesting he might spend his weekdays suitably attired in a law or investment firm. Yet he seemed to think it was fine to expose his soil-encrusted feet near children and food, believing casual wear and hygiene need not be life partners.

It puzzled me why this guy bothered me so much when I am accustomed to seeing bad dressers almost daily, including other men wearing flip-flops. Then it dawned on me: What was worse about this man's fashion choice was its possibilities of grander implications. Perhaps his flip-flops were really a stylistic metaphor for a wider social malaise of inconsiderate and ignorant behaviour that threatens those too polite to say anything. Forget global warming or the threat of nuclear terror: The true indication that Western society is on a downward trajectory is the male flip-flop.

What pushed Western men to this point of devolution? Theorists have argued that the mark of a successful society is one in which the inhabitants respect one another, demonstrate intelligence, and desire social betterment. What does it suggest, then, when its possible future leaders shuffle and lope through contemporary life in footwear that is an affront to others?

It is near impossible to conceive that such sartorially challenged, comfort-obsessed men are capable of long-term innovation. The flip-flop hardly commands respect. As its name implies, the flip-flop does not indicate a strong man secure in his beliefs, but rather an undecided, weak-spirited one who can't take a stand and probably can't be trusted. If politicians don't earn respect flip-flopping on an issue, neither does the layman who wears rubber on his filthy feet.

Blame the baseball cap or the rise in anti-corporate culture for opening this door, but casual wear has become far too casual for public respectability.

So how laid-back does a culture have to become before it starts actually moving backward?

In Australia, say, where flip-flops are standard for a surf-obsessed lifestyle. But we live in Canada, where city centres are not focused around beach life, and since when did we start using people from Down Under (I believe the phrase "yogurt has more culture" has been used) as a fashion template?

Or Californians? When my friend Alex was at Princeton, she claimed she could identify a Californian outside of its natural habitat by its flip-flops worn everywhere and in every season, despite the threat of frostbite. We are following the lifestyle choices of a state that makes an icon of Paris Hilton and elects the Terminator. Surely Canadians should know better. We are renowned for our politeness; it is not courteous to publicly exhibit jagged nails and early forms of nail fungus.

And herein lies the essence of the problem: The male foot is no thing of beauty.

Unlike the female, there is no delicate arch, no painterly hue, no gentle restraint in pose or angle. It is a tool, a functional appendage. No matter how strong the metrosexual movement might have been, all evidence suggests the average man avoids pedicures. So cover them up, mates.

Fueled by this sexual incongruity I conducted a cursory investigation with several female friends, which resulted in facial expressions so severe they risked permanent fine lines and crow's feet. Apparently one of the least sexy things a man can do is wear flip-flops. One even suggested their acceptance is actually some sort of Machiavillian calculation by women to devalue man's role in society. A four-inch Jimmy Choo is more than capable of shattering the glass ceiling if the flip-flop-footed male is left to tiptoe among the glass shards.

So, it's as simple as this: Unless you are under 25 and work at a surf shop, there is no excuse for flip-flops on a man. But if the proliferation of wearers continues, the end is definitely nigh.

Jon Scott Blanthorn is a Toronto writer.